Stonewalling vs Taking Space

Stonewalling vs. Taking Space: The Key Differences and How to Navigate Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. However, how we handle it can either build stronger connections or create deeper wounds. Have you ever walked away from an argument feeling unheard, frustrated, or completely disconnected? If so, it’s possible that stonewalling—or a misunderstanding around taking space—played a role.

In emotionally charged situations, people often shut down, withdraw, or react impulsively. But how do you know whether someone is taking a necessary pause or stonewalling? Let’s break it down.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling, a term coined by Dr. John Gottman, refers to a complete emotional and communicative shutdown. A person engaging in stonewalling might refuse to talk, give the silent treatment, or physically remove themselves from the situation without explanation. It often happens when someone feels overwhelmed, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, they block communication entirely.

Why Does Stonewalling Happen?

• A way to self-protect from emotional overwhelm

• Avoidance of conflict or difficult conversations

• An attempt to control the conversation by refusing engagement

• A learned response from past relationships or childhood experiences

Regardless of the reason, stonewalling can be damaging. The partner being shut out may feel abandoned, unseen, and deeply hurt, leading to increased conflict and emotional distance over time.

What Does Taking Space Look Like?

Unlike stonewalling, taking space is a proactive and healthy way to regulate emotions. It allows both people to calm down and return to the conversation with more clarity and composure. The key difference? Communication.

How to Take Space Without Stonewalling

• Acknowledge the need for a break. Say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to cool down, but I promise to come back and talk.”

• Set a clear time frame. Whether it’s 30 minutes or an hour, setting an expectation reassures your partner that the discussion isn’t being ignored.

• Follow through. If you say you’ll return to the conversation, keep your word. This builds trust and prevents your partner from feeling abandoned.

When done correctly, taking space helps avoid impulsive reactions, allows for emotional regulation, and leads to more productive conversations.

Recognizing Unhealthy vs. Healthy Withdrawal

FAQ: Stonewalling vs. Taking Space

1. What’s the difference between stonewalling and needing space?

Stonewalling is an emotional shutdown without communication, while needing space involves setting a boundary and returning to the conversation once emotions are regulated.

2. Is taking a break the same as stonewalling?

No. Taking a break is a healthy way to self-regulate, as long as you communicate your intentions. Stonewalling is refusing to engage without explanation or resolution.

3. What is the difference between stonewalling and setting boundaries?

Setting boundaries is about protecting your emotional well-being while maintaining open communication. Stonewalling, on the other hand, shuts down communication entirely, often leaving the other person feeling abandoned.

4. Is shutting down and stonewalling the same thing?

Not necessarily. Shutting down can be an automatic nervous system response when someone feels overwhelmed. However, if shutting down turns into a repeated pattern of avoidance without resolution, it can become stonewalling.

Final Thoughts

Effective communication in relationships requires self-awareness and accountability. If you recognize patterns of stonewalling in your relationship, it’s essential to work on healthier ways to manage conflict. Therapy, mindfulness, and learning emotional regulation techniques can help break the cycle and foster more meaningful, constructive conversations.

If you or your partner struggle with these patterns, professional support can be invaluable. Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s an investment in your relationship’s health and longevity.

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